Interactive

Attraction

We all know the feeling when we meet someone we fancy. Our heart starts to beat faster, our hands get clammy, we blush and stutter. But now science has shown that these physiological changes in our bodies when we are on alert for a new mate are there for a reason as we exude special chemicals known as pheromones, which actually help us to attract the opposite sex.

It's in the pheromones
The leading researcher in this field is psychologist Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago. In a very simple experiment she was able to speed up or slow down the menstrual cycles of a group of women by exposing them to the smell of sweat from other women. " The male pheromone androstenone and the female one which is called androstenol are processed by the brain and cause physiological and behavioural changes when we meet somebody we are attracted to", she says.

Like attracts like
Surely it's not just down to a couple of chemicals? Relationships experts believe that meeting our perfect partner is a combination of physical and chemical attraction. "Many of us are attracted to people who look slightly like us," explains expert Susan Quilliam.

So in fact we could unconsciously be marrying 'daddy' or 'mummy'? " We are only talking about small similarities like eyes or hair. We tend to go for what is familiar even if it hurts us as people in abusive relationships will testify. So sadly we might go for the disciplinarian who was our dad or the alcoholic who was our mum," she adds.

Quilliam believes finding your soulmate is not so much spiritual as pragmatic. "It's what I call the jigsaw fit. In other words when you are searching for your soulmate you are not necessarily looking for somebody who is identical to you but who complements you so that the relationship allows each of you to grow in terms of personality and fulfilment," she says. It takes men much longer to get over the adolescent phase of dating says Quilliam. "Then suddenly a bloke meets a girl at a party who is totally unlike anyone he has previously dated. He suddenly feels like he has come home. He has found the missing half of the jigsaw, "she adds.

For those of us who consistently end up with love rats there seems to be little hope unless we learn from our mistakes and correct our patterns of behaviour. One theory is that we are attracted to a problem because you want to solve that problem in your own life. "So you may be attracted to someone who shuns intimacy and up chasing him around throughout the relationship demanding intimacy and never finding true happiness, " says Quilliam.

"50 Secrets of a Blissful Relationship"
Author Michael Webb is so thrilled with his own relationship he wants to share his 50 secrets of a blissful relationship with the world. In his book of the same name he speaks about his 'fairytale' marriage to Athena, his wife of twelve years. His tips include holding hands in public, frequent public displays of affection, referring to each other with endearing terms and commenting on how clever, beautiful or caring your mate is to others.

But whether you find out how to find your perfect mate in a book or through the stars you can be sure it will be good for your health. "There is plenty of evidence to support the fact that people in good healthy loving relationships live longer," says Quilliam. And it is particularly true for men. "Widowers are more likely to die than widows. If a man loses his wife he is more likely to get ill and die. But it also works in reverse so a man or a woman in an unhappy relationship is likely to get ill," she adds.

So at the end of the day is dating really mating? "Very few people see another person more than three or five times unless they are really subconsciously thinking is this person the one for me? The bottom line is that all mating is driven by procreation so you could say when you date you are on the lookout for a perfect mate, a father for your children and someone to be with into old age," says Quilliam.